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Writer's pictureAnd Now Love Podcast

On The Way To Feelings


Black and White Portrait of Dr. Bernard Bail

This essay is among a series of articulate documentation written by the highly esteemed Dr. Bernard Bail, written from the work he has performed with his patients.


He delves into the profound interplay between the feminine and masculine aspects of the unconscious mind. Through a series of vivid and symbolic dreams, Dr. Bail explores the journey of reconciling these polarities within oneself. He offers a rich tapestry of dream analysis, personal insights, and reflections on the deeper truths of emotional healing and self-discovery. Dr. Bail's narrative highlights the essential process of integrating the unconscious to achieve a balanced and evolved state of being, emphasizing the transformative power of feelings in bridging the gap between intellect and sensuality.


 

The following dream occurred at the end of a series of dreams where I was with, and around the feminine unconscious. For one reason or another, having to do with my own discomfort at being in her presence, I was experiencing an inability to effect a firm relationship with her.


DREAM 1:


“I am in an indoor room of some type not unusual for formal meetings. I cannot make out the details of the room, but I am either seated, or watching myself from behind, while seated, at one of the sides of a wooden table, about four feet square. There appears to be room to accommodate only one chair on each of the sides of table. Seated opposite from me at the table is an elderly man. No other person sits at the sides of the table either to my right or my left. Though I know he is a man, perhaps of great stature, I never see his head, face, or upper body, and have no idea as to his identity, or why he would be at the table, with me alone.

The surface of the wooden table, save for the its center, is devoid of any type of object or decorum. Not unexpectedly, In the center of the table, lying flat, sits a square bright clean white unwrinkled towel or serving mat about eighteen inches square. Upon one half of the mat sits a nine by eighteen inch sheet of clean white paper. Placed neatly in the middle of the remaining nine inches of cloth material sits a three inch high, mound of semi-damp, starkly black, papaya seeds, about four inches in diameter. The contrast between the white of the cloth/paper in juxtaposition to the black papaya seeds is extremely striking.

I sit quietly, observing the scene before me, while trying to understand what is being shown to me or accomplished with this assemblage of materials. Shortly, It comes to me that the man wants to, and is about the business of taping down the white paper onto the cloth mat by applying a single strip of white adhesive tape down the left edge of the white paper onto the white mat. What this is to accomplish, I initially fail to comprehend. Suddenly and silently, I am juxtaposed, and am viewing the scene from the man’s perspective. The only difference between the two views lies in the lie of the tape. From my initial perspective, the tape was to the left side of the paper, where from his view, it was applied to right side of the paper.

While in the dream, as I sat viewing the completed activity or exercise, it came to me that the mound of semi-damp black seeds was indeed, a way to identify the feminine, while the flat sheet of white paper, a means to identify the masculine. From this epiphany it became obvious that the man was about showing and making it clear to me that what I was to do. I am to join the striking sensual femininity with the starkness of masculine intellectuality. The means to do this was through the process of adhesion, or feelings. Through this template, all that one desired could be accomplished.”


DISCUSSION 1:


Upon waking, I felt awash with a myriad of thoughts and questions. Who was this man? Was he Dr Bail ? And if so, what was placed in front of me would not have been new to me. Was it that simple? Through feelings? Of course it could be that simple if I could eliminate the obstruction of my “ Maternal Imprint”. My imprint dictated that I was not to turn to the feminine for nourishment and comfort, or for my growth and development. Certainly, I understood the essence of the work that was before me, but there was more to this dream, much more! The dream is the path to the unconscious. And, perhaps the man was the Divine, laying out the structure that all of mankind is to follow? Accordingly, only through the juncture of the feminine and masculine unconscious’s in a completely balanced way could he progress and solve the obstacles standing in the way to his evolution.


The evening prior to this dream, my wife and I elected to watch a random televised movie. And, indeed, the unconscious never fails to provide that which we need for our clarity. The particular movie was entitled KILL CHAIN and starred Nicolas Cage and Annabella Acosta. Though filmed in Thailand, it was made to feel like it took place in Mexico, or Central America, and was spoken in Spanish with English subtitles.

Though surrealistic and moving back and fourth between the past, present and the future, it portrayed the separate lives of both Cage, and Acosta, as a set of people with violent and sordid pasts. Though, not a couple, he portrayed a roughened debonair street fighter, and she, a galvanizing Spanish woman with an equally adept street fighter capability. Indeed, they were equally matched in cunningness and knowledge about the “ evils that lie in man/woman kind”.


Not surprisingly, both were being sought for termination by ever pursuant enemies for different reasons, and both joined forces and their individual talents to evade and overcome their enemies. In the end, while harrowing, and dotted with surprises, they emerge triumphant, and go forth in life in search of their individual inclinations and desires, as free agents.


DREAM 2:


“It appears that my wife and I have entered a veterinarian’s office. The waiting room we have come into is painted a soft sky blue color, and fluffy soft white curtains engulf the several brightly lit windows about us. The atmosphere is experienced as odd for a veterinarian office, and no other people or animals are present in the room. Shortly, a middle aged man, with fair skin, and blondish colored hair comes into the room to meet with us. Perhaps, in keeping with the calm environment, he is wearing a similar soft blue two piece set of scrubs not unexpected in such a setting.

The room is deathly quiet, as we relate our story to this man. In essence, it is a story not unlike that which was revealed in the movie “ Kill Chain”. As told, It depicted, summarily, what had happened to us. While individually, or collectively we had done nothing to bring about such violent assaults and organized attempts to terminate us, we were enabled, with the help of our physical and mental assets to evade our most certain terminations”.


DISCUSSION 2:


The dream, taken to an unconscious level, seemed to summarize what our parents (unconsciously) brought to my wife and myself. Indeed, the challenge we faced, was to survive by any means possible. Clearly, it was not to be accomplished through amassing money, or pursuing power. Clearly, the veterinarian (Vet) was Dr. Bail, and presented a fair and calm environment in which to review our historical plights. The challenge was formidable, for our parents, as did theirs, believed that babies knew nothing, and could be placed in any minimal environment as long as they were fed, cleansed, and given fundamental pediatric care. However, as we have, so painfully come to learn, desecration was to be their tour de force. After many, many years of painstaking work for Dr Bail, as well as for ourselves, we have come to understand that babies “ know everything”. For most people, it is down hill from birth. In keeping with the movie, our individual creative capacities, when brought to the “market place”, facilitated our exit from the compelling directive, “you are to live impoverished spiritual lives”. “To be, that is the question”.


The day following the questionably summary dream was not particularly marked with events which might have been experienced as unusually challenging or taxing. My time seemed to be fraught with my musings regarding Dr Bail’s impending retirement from practice. How does one contemplate this inevitable change following forty plus years of a kind of “mental marriage”? Of course, musing about such is what one would do, but it must have re-activated an early emergent unconscious experience.


DREAM 3:


“I am trying to help an unfamiliar woman with some sort of a problem, though the why of the problem did not seem to be readily apparent. It appeared that there was a mass of some type of material that needed to be fit together with her. Either it was to be placed into some type of mold, or into some space or vessel in her arms. I seemed to experience the container to be made of some type of yarn, or apparel material, which was without a firm structure, and, perhaps, too malleable. The color of the substance seemed to be heterogenous, but of reds and grey’s as though it was some type of food stuffing, or meat, though it did appear to be quite lifeless. Additionally, it presented with no particular odor, though it surely should have been olfactory sensible judging from the nature and feeling of the material. Try as I might, I could not fit the mass within the receiving space and tried again and again, but without success. Only a partial fit could be experienced, but either I was not sufficiently skilled at such a task, or the receiving space was unable to receive the material and kept refusing it’s placement.nI had the sense that the woman I am working with is moving around, or she is stable, and it is myself that is moving about, making adjustments in a desperate attempt to succeed at the task before me. I seem to know that the time allotted to accomplish the fit is rapidly coming to an end though I have no sense as to what the consequences will be for my failure. Certainly, at the very least, there will be some experience of major disappointment, either on the part of the woman, or on my part.”


DISCUSSION 2:


Upon reviewing the dream with Dr Bail, the feelings of frustration and being lost were of such a nature, that I could not identify in current experiences what it might relate to. Of course, there was the impending time for his retirement, (3 days), and this weighed heavily into the experience in real life. My question…. what will happen if I am unable to complete the task?


COMMENTARY:


This is a dream from infancy. This was, from past experience, perhaps at birth, the frustration at my not being able to pair up with my mother, either in unconscious life or in conscious life. Indeed, she had inverted nipples at my birth and was anatomically unable to feed me. Of course, she was also soooo not wanting to have and care for her infant for many reasons, that no real loving emotional congress would ever ensue with her.

While I certainly will not perish following Dr. Bail’s retirement, I must have experienced my mother’s wiggling away from me as the harbinger of my demise.


The night following the “Helping A Woman” dream gave rise to two Dream Images, taken to be two separate dreams. Once again, my day was without unusual challenges or experiences though the holiday season was quickly approaching a rather predictable calendar.


DREAM IMAGE 1:


“I am outdoors, standing in the middle of a driveway. There seemed to be livingness taking place around me in the form of buildings, automobiles, and people, in the periphery moving about. Before me, sitting in a driveway, is parked a rather current very white van with its rear section pointed directly in my direction. I am able to clearly see inside its rear expanse, but make out no details within. Perhaps, out of curiosity, I move forward towards the vehicle to gain a better view of it’s interior.


Moving closer, almost in contact with the vehicle, I clearly make out a striking scene within the van. Immediately in front of me a woman is lying on her left side, perpendicular to the long axis of the vehicle. Her head, facing me, is to my right, and seems to be propped up on her left shoulder, perhaps being supported by her left hand, or by a pillow. She appeared clearly Asian in appearance, and is wearing a long off white gown or robe.


Surprisingly, her complexion is powerfully clear and without markings or visible irregularities, and radiates a golden sheen.

I stand transfixed while viewing her, and we simultaneously enter into intense eye contact . At first, it appears that, while I am looking at her with both eyes, she is looking at me from her right eye. However, as I continue to gaze at her, it appeared as though, were it possible being that she continued to lie on her left side, that she was looking at me from her left eye. This confused me, but did not detract from an unbroken connection. Gradually, a faint, but definite smile crept into her facial contour, and I felt connected to her in some mysterious fashion.”


This dream experience felt magnetic, and resulted in my being able to spontaneously recall it as it was dreamt with precision and powerful emotion.”


Following the first image I must have awakened, but only to fall fast asleep again within what felt to be a very short period of time. The second dream Image presented itself to me much in the same way as the first did.


DREAM IMAGE 2:


“I seem to be sitting alone, in a well lit room, on a chair or couch. Perhaps I am waiting for someone or something to happen? Suddenly, a door in front of me opens widely, and a youngish, middle aged Caucasian man steps into the room in front of me. He is unknown to me, but appears with a gusto that made me feel as though I should have known him from some type of prior interpersonal experience. What was striking about this sudden meeting was both his dress and demeanor. Though hatless, he was dressed in a well pressed two piece’d brownish colored officer’s military uniform. But, unlike an assortment of military uniforms I had prior contact with, it included some type of woven sash or tie placed about about his neck. Upon a more detailed inspection of his dress, he appeared to have been decorated with ribbons for services rendered in accordance with military events I was also unfamiliar with.


I had the feeling that he was “ reporting for duty”, and stood erect and powerfully present as he viewed me, or who, or what was located behind me. Though he stood wordless, I sensed that he would not be someone to trifle with and that he would be a trustable person who would perform in such a way as to accumulate considerable merit.”


Not unlike the first dream image, this one too, felt magnetic, and could be recalled with great detail and powerful emotion.


DISCUSSION:


Why this particular set of dream images at this time? Yes, there was great balance, and the vibrational energy of the woman was equally matched by that of the man. She seemed to be from the East, and he, from the West. She was lying on her side, and he stood perpendicularly upright.

She was dressed in a one piece white robe or gown, and he, in a two piece brownish, well pressed uniform. She presented with a smile, and a come hither invitational continence, while he presented with considerable tenseness, and a strong suggestion that one should stay put.


Certainly, I have within one night, a set of emotional experiences which are of equal intensity, but of polar opposite in their constituents.


As per Dr Bail, what had been received by me from these two clearly powerful image experiences was the formal presence of both the Feminine Unconscious, and Masculine Unconscious within me, and at my service, should I choose to encompass them.


On the evening prior to this dream, I was engaged with my daughter in a lengthy conversation about her giving birth to a second child. Her current child, a daughter, is approaching three years of age, and the present time for the conception of a sibling would certainly be appropriate for her.

The crux of the discussion revolved about the age of my daughter, and the likelihood that, while she might naturally conceive a child in the next few months, she might well be forced to call upon a store of eggs that she had frozen and saved.


In that fertility technology has advanced and facilitated success with implanted embryos, the process was extremely costly, and the likelihood of a non take implantation was a serious consideration to be dealt with. We more or less ended the discussion with her deciding that she would embark on a course of natural conception with the complementation of Chinese Medicine and adjunct acupuncture and herbal supplementation. In the event that such a trial was unproductive, in vitro fertilization would be her natural alternative.


DREAM:


“I am sitting in a chair in a room of some type which might be in my own home? There seemed to be several people (none of them known to me) about the room, when my daughter (the one considering pregnancy) comes up to me with some type of clinical medical problem. Upon engaging with her about the nature of that which is of concern to her, she extends, I think her left arm and hand in such a way, that I am obliged to view and inspect a mysterious fleshy form protruding from her wrist.


I study that which is in view, and find it to be mysterious in several ways. Initially, it appears fleshy in nature, and pouch like in shape, about the size of a United States quarter. Additionally, It appears pedunculate, and pulsatile. Perhaps, it is attached to or emanating from the radial artery above? But, in the end, it is the surface of this fleshy form that captures my attention and forces me to study it quite carefully. I am mystified by what I see. While it is rough in texture, no prior familiar anatomical pattern is discerned. Clearly, what I do see brings to mind ancient Egyptian hieroglyphic or Hebraic scribing. How could this be, and what does one make of this?”


My daughter, in a quandary, looks at me, as if to say, what is this, and what do I do about it? Indeed, studying it even more carefully, I think that I ought to find a book that might shed some light on what this growth might be, and what it might be communicating in such a fashion that I would know what to tell her and what she might want do about it.


Upon waking, I thought about the dream, and how mystified I was about the meaning of such a presentation, and the form it took. Why pulsatile, and why such ancient harkening? Clearly, for the most part, anatomic presentations are physiologic messages of one kind or another. Whether internal or external it’s the body’s way of trying to tell us something that we should pay attention to. Pulsatile might indicate an intersection, or “pay attention”, as on a highway while driving. Merge, stop, etc., are all familiar signs begging us to pay attention such that we have a smooth and pleasant journey while on the highway of life. But this type of sign or message?, something harkening from ancient times?”


AS PER DR. BAIL:


Given that it is about my daughter, and her concerns regarding moving forward with her decision to have another child, “the heavens above have ordained it!”. Life, will come from above (the pulse) will make it so, as it has been so through time.


COMMENTARY:


The patient had begun to bring the feminine into his dream life. In the paper dream, the white and the dark represent polar opposites. The seeds also represent feminine sexuality. The seeds are dark. The darkness of feminine mysteries. The white represents enlightenment and represents the masculine qualities which are to be merged in the act of creation. The only problem I see with this formulation, is to assume that the white paper represents the masculine. The problem is that paper which comes from trees, is feminine, from the Portuguese materiaL. But contradictions are allowable in the unconscious. I bring this up because if I am right the patient and the confusion in his mind has to be clarified by further analysis.


In this dream, he is describing his fetal struggle and his wife’s fetal struggle, which he casts in the form of this movie.


What he says about her prenatal life and his is true. Both had terrifying prenatal existences, which left them both badly wounded, even though there were no marks of violence on them.


The violence was all contained within the unconscious and slowly emerged where it could be seen and evaluated by each of them consciously. Note – the end of the dream does not have the hero or heroine married. Neither one was to have the felicity of a marriage. So, knowing the details of their prenatal existence, it remains to be seen whether there will be a more intimate connection between them. This is really seen in the veterinary dream. The animals would be represented by each of them. And the color of peacefulness.


The patient is quite right in assuming that this is a prenatal dream. The wool represents his mother, the feminine, which is soft and warm. To contain him in her arms would have been an impossible feat, being a fetus. And I believe that this sense of failure stayed with him for a long time, and did not have a proper conclusion. The good thing about it is perhaps now it can.”


The point about this dream is highly symbolical and he needs to let his unconscious work on the ultimate meaning further for it to be acceptable to him and to me. In fact, all the dreams he is presenting in these few days are highly symbolical, which is why he doesn’t have personal associations to let us go back to the original proposition which is, he’s got to be able to let the feminine unconscious in to his psyche. So, in the dream about the white truck, with the back window down, he can see the feminine unconscious. His seeing is not enough. In the dream about the soldier, he is saying symbolically that he is in a higher state of mind and it is a wise caution that he says don’t trifle with the higher state of mind. The soldier who has opened the door is saying that this door is opened to the Divine and one should not trifle with the higher state or the Divine. When we come to the last dream in this series, his daughter who has the pedunculate growth is showing us the union of male and female. A union that represents the mystery of the pulse of life. So, this is to be noted that the presence of the feminine unconscious is not to be had by using one’s intellect. We don’t see the feeling. We feel the feeling. So the patient has got to relax and wait for that state to happen to him.



Copyright © Bernard W. Bail, M.D.


December 2019


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