Loving Them Through it All: Dr. Corinn Cross on Today's Youth Issues

Transcript auto-generated from the episode audio; formatting has been cleaned up, but wording is verbatim.

Hi, my name is Cynthia Marks. I head up the holistic psychoanalysis Foundation established by my late husband, Dr. Bernard Bail. Welcome to. And now, love, Today we have Dr. Cori Cross with us. Thank you for joining us. thanks for having me. Dr. Cross is a board certified pediatrician in Los Angeles. She's also a well-respected speaker for the American Academy of Pediatrics. She speaks on subjects that are important to our youth. There are so many issues that we're dealing with given our current circumstances. Some of those issues are obesity, how to deal with social media.

And you even speak about human trafficking. Yeah, pretty fascinating. Thank you. So tell us a little bit about how you came to embrace these topics. First of all, what did you see happening that caused you to want to speak to some of these issues, like, say, obesity? So I did my residency in Los Angeles. I'm originally from Jersey. And when I came out here, I was at Children's Hospital, Los Angeles as I was going through med school and residency, I was realizing that children were getting heavier, unfortunately, and we had this increasing obesity epidemic.

And so that kind of got me thinking advocacy wise, like, what could we do? And then through that, I'm going to make myself sound really old. But there were no iPads or anything like that when I started out as a pediatrician. And then in 2010, the iPad came along and that just changed everything. And I happened to be on a council at the time that was looking at children and media. And of course, then that really blossomed because there was a lot more for us to do. And so really through my career, I've just been right there when things are happening with children and thought about how can we deal with this?

How as a society do we have to do things differently? And really, from a policy and parenting standpoint, what needs to be done to tie it back in to what you're doing? I think that what we're seeing with kids right now, we noticed it a lot during COVID is, you know, a lot of depression, anxiety and a real disconnect. I feel like right now kids are so connected to everything and able to be connected to anyone so quickly. And yet a lot of times they feel less connected than maybe you and I did as a middle school or high school, or they're just so much more isolated despite being connected.

And so it's a it's a strange little dichotomy that we're in. What advice are you giving parents or the people who care for these children? I think personal connections is really important, and I don't necessarily think at first we really push back on screen time. And I still in my own home, definitely. I'm very much aware of how much time my kids are spending on screens. And you have three children? I do. I have a 15 year old, a 13 year old and 11 year old. We've definitely been on the slower uptake to adopt technology and I think though, that what's important and what we've come to realize, both as the American Canon pediatrics and just in this space, is that not all screen time is obviously the same.

So we definitely got rid of the two hour rule, which was what I think a lot of parents grew up on, is 2 hours of TV, no more, no less, or you could have less, just definitely not more. But then when we look at screens now, what kids are doing on screens and how it affects them is different depending on what they're doing. And it might even be different to kids could be doing the same thing depending on who they are personally. And so I think that we're learning that as parents, we really just need to be present. We need to pay attention, we need to know where our kids are at emotionally and how the different things that they're doing online either feed them or hurt them.

Right. And so I think that's what we're realizing, is that social media in general, it can either and I heard somebody say this once, I think it's brilliant. It can either augment what's going on in your life in a good way or in a bad way. It just depends on sort of how you're using it, what's in your feed and who you are as a person. That's unfortunately super individual ized. And so parents have to engage. And is it easy for parents to have the tools required to engage appropriately, given the individual situation represented by their child?

So here's where I think it's actually we've actually gotten to a place where it's pretty good in the sense of before. I feel like parents felt like they needed to understand Facebook or they need to understand Instagram and weight. Here comes Twitter and Tik Tok and Snapchat and whatever. And it was you just felt like you were constantly trying to chase your tail to figure out where kids are, how they worked. Can you monitor them? And maybe it's because I now have middle schoolers and teenager in high school that I'm like, wait a second, This is just the same parenting I've been doing all the time.

I just have to do it in a different almost like a different venue, right? It's like you're used to like you know, performing on stage and now you're doing it for like, TV. Like, you know what I mean? It's just like you just got to change your skills a little bit, but you've got this. I kind of feel like it's basic parenting, right? You have to watch your kids cues, like know how they are like, you know, are they happy? Are they sad? You have to figure out like, well, they've been really quiet at dinner, like, should I check in with them? And so it's the same sort of stuff you've always done or parents have always done, right?

You check in with your kid if they're acting wonky, you try to figure out why. You make sure you have open lines of communication, right? Like it's all that same stuff. Maybe slightly different, but it's the same stuff because you don't need to be reading every text message, just like parents didn't have to be eavesdropping on every conversation. Right. You just have to before you give them a device, make sure they're actually ready for it, which again, is something we're used to doing as parents. Right. We don't throw kids in a pool that can't swim.

We don't have kids cross streets that don't know how. Right. We spend an awful lot of time preparing them for these things. And so I think that devices came out and we got lazy or we just didn't use them ourselves. And that was in part of our childhood. So were like, let's just hand them everything without realizing that that's a lot of prep work that goes into it. Well, and I think there are even those moments where you say to yourself, I know this isn't really right, but I've got them contained for 25 minutes and I can go work on this other thing that I need to work on right?

And I always tell parents, it's like, you don't have to feel bad about that, but you have to let your kids know that that's an exception. Like, we did a lot of traveling back and forth from L.A. to New Jersey when my kids were little. And I'm like, Here's an iPad. Don't kick the seat in front of you like it's 6 hours. Enjoy. I'll see you on the other side. But just because you get it now does not mean that tomorrow you wouldn't be like. But yesterday for sure. For six. Hours. I don't care. Yesterday, like we were just trying to get through like, a crisis.

Today we're back to normal. And I think, like, you can just tell kids that, like, they're okay with that. Letting kids know before you let them on. Social media and let them do anything where they can have an actual presence, really explaining to them, this is something that I picked up from Common sense media. They would always say it's written in pen, not in pencil. Like remember that? And what I tell my kids is like anything you put on there, your grandmother could see and your children will be able to see. So if you're okay with both of those groups someday seeing this, post it.

If not, try a different method of communication. And do they understand and kind of abide by that just as a natural course. Now that you've said that to them. Yeah, I think that they I mean, obviously I'm not there all the time, so I'm sure they're making mistakes. And I think that's something that we as as parents have to expect. Right. When we think back to our own childhood, we were never perfect. So you have to expect that your kid is going to definitely make a mistake and they're either going to be big or small. But I think that my kids have that little person sitting on their shoulder that's saying somebody could screenshot this or would I feel okay if like my math teacher saw this or whatever?

And so I think that that's what they need. Is that so that's some sort of self regulator. Yes. But I think you have to wait, Right. I don't think that you can expect an eight year old to self-regulate like they can't self-regulate their sugar, they can't self-regulate anything else. Why would they be able to self-regulate that? So I think we have to realize that kids are developmentally at different stages and I feel like my 15 year old can self-regulate an awful lot better now that she's a freshman than she could when she was in like sixth grade.

So I don't give her things. I don't set her up to fail. Those are also teaching moments that are coming from a parent who's paying attention, right? So to ask a child to figure out how to self-regulate. Maybe they'll get there. Maybe it'll take longer. Maybe they won't get there. Right. It's the same as though with everything else, like you have to. And I read this in a book as well, so I don't want to take credit for saying it, but it was that when you have a little kid, right, like you are their authority, you tell them, you know, when to go to bed.

You tell them everything and they're supposed to listen Like that's the relationship. But the relationship has to change. As a child goes through middle school, high school, college becomes an adult, that if you're doing it right, you become their chief of staff. And I like that. That sort of thought. What I'm trying to do now is transition into becoming not the person that tells my child what to do, but the person my child will come to when they need to make a good decision or a big decision and will take my advice under advisement. Yeah. You know, and so, like, that's that's the relationship you need to pivot into.

And so but to understand that it's it's a process to get there. And I think sometimes we make so many rules and everything that we don't allow them that movement and realize that they're going to stumble along the way. But if we constantly come in and become the authoritative figure or clean up their mess or punish them for it, then they're never going to get to the point where we're chief of staff. And instead you have them calling you from college, asking like, what do I do? I'm failing this class. And you're like, Well, do you need me to call your dean?

No, of course not. Like, that's not the appropriate relationship. And so I think that we have to think about that. But to bring it back to Bernadette stuff, I think that what parents really need to do is make sure that from a really young age, kids understand that you love them when they make mistakes and when they succeed, that the love is not at all dependent on their success rate, that the love is dependent on the fact that this is the relationship the two of you have. And so that makes it, I think, easier for kids. There's still always sort of they're sort of like, do you want the good news of the bad news first?

You know, And they try to like. Really, really play up the. Good news before they give you the bad news, because they are worried and like they should be worried if they're going to tell you something that they did was kind of stinky. But at the same point, I think that they they really know that they can tell you those things and it's not going to change your relationship and kids need to have that. So what do you think that difference is? So I think a lot of us are inclined to not see ourselves at the chief of staff. We we think we have to contain, manage, truly manage our child forever.

It's a hard thing to step away from. Are those two different techniques, what you're describing that you've done so well versus the other, which doesn't work so well? Did they come from different emotions that the parents carry or from the way the parents were raised? I mean, your instinct is just want to grab and fix. Yeah, it's hard not to do that. Absolutely. In my opinion, there's probably a couple of things playing into it. Again, I can speak to how I sort of have experienced things, and maybe this is more for women. I don't know. I think that you give birth to a child or you're raising a child a lot of times you're giving up other things to be able to do that.

Right. And so in order to be okay with that sort of tradeoff, you really embrace the identity that you now have as a mother or a caregiver that has to bring you joy and then you become super proud of that. And so there is a little bit of an identity shift. And then once your child sort of is becoming more autonomous, what does that mean to your own identity? Right? And so I think that maybe there's a little bit of that going on for some women and maybe for some dads. Sometimes we hold on to that because we've been promoted to this position. And you don't want to be demoted, right?

You want to like you're like, what? But I'm doing this. And we ultimately get to that space where if we're husband and wife, we look at each other and go, you know what the hell? Where we're no one's going to be here pretty soon. What are we going to do? Yeah. And so I think that's part of it. I think another part of it is that we sort of I wouldn't say live vicariously through our children, but sometimes we feel that we're judged by how our children do. When you've got the the bumper sticker, like proud parent of an honor roll student, it's like, All right, yeah, that's great.

And I'm not saying anything bad about that, but it's kind of funny when you think about it, right? Because sometimes you think, well, that's why all these parents are studying with their kids, right? And making sure that their science project is better than maybe the kid would have done on their own. Because when they succeed, you brag right? And I think social media probably makes it even more sure. Nobody's like, Hey, my kid got to see but got him all by himself. Yeah, Yeah. You know, you don't hear that. I know you do, right? I know that we've talked about this before, but with having different children, you have different children who are good at different things, right?

And sometimes you have kids who things just come easy to, whether that's academics or sports or whatever. And then you have kids who things don't come easy, too. I have a child who sometimes has to work a little bit harder to get what she wants done. And what I've told her is I am so certain you are going to be great in life because you have had to work really hard. You aren't somebody who like necessarily just, you know, memorizes things when you hear them. Like you literally have to sit there and put the time in and learn how to do it. And if you get a bad grade, you have to say, okay, that's not me.

I'm going to try harder. Whereas other people, when things come easy all the time, you don't know how they're going to do in life because when things actually get hard, which they will eventually, are they going to have the skill set to to figure out how to deal with that adversity, the grit to do it? And so I think that there's a way to tell our kids, yeah, I expect you an today because I think that's important to say to kids because if you tell them that you're good with a C, then they think that you don't think they're smart. So if I say I expect you, Candy, but when you get the C and then you get the A, I'm super proud of you.

That's awesome. There's ways to phrase things where you can teach kids that you do love them no matter what. But your your goal is to have them succeed and to learn the skills that they're going to need later in life. And that perspective, I think, is unfortunately pretty unique, what you're describing that you're able to say to your daughter, I'm so proud of you. Look at these skills that you've figured out how to use. Well, I am a pediatrician. Well, okay. Why can't we all feel that way about our children? Wouldn't that be fabulous? Yeah. No, I mean, it would.

Part of the reason that I'm able to have that outside view and look down and take it in that way is because earlier in my career, I looked at screens and apps and what it meant to succeed and how some of these little kids could like play things on the piano on the app. But then you put them in front of a piano and they can't do anything or they're learning their letters. But that sort of didn't help them to learn to read if they were learning it on an app. So like learning, looking at those things and and figuring out what does it take for kids to have school success?

And when I looked at that, it's persistence. It's being able to take something you learned in what's intuition and put it into another creative, flexible thinking. Like these are the things that correlate really well with school success and with later life success. Not necessarily how fast you learned your math facts. Knowing that I was able to really focus and say, If I want my kids to be successful, both in school and later in life, a little less focused on like whether or not, you know, your states and capitals and a little more focus on what does it mean to be persistent.

Well, and I think you came to be a pediatrician because you must have had a love for what's happening to our youth sort of worldwide. I mean, obviously, that makes you an extra super special mother. I care about kids a lot. My experience has been that kids come out just as little awesome humans. They really are. I get like, almost like giddy thinking about being in the newborn nursery and seeing these little humans and even the little toddlers like they're they're funny. They're they can have their unkind moments, but they're just really good little people.

I can't even remember ever meeting like a toddler I didn't like, you know, despite them sometimes throwing their shoe at you across the room because they don't want you to look in their ears. Well, I get that. And thank you for communicating that so poignantly. You know, but we're going ahead with this. But unfortunately, you lose. You know. What? They're so cute and they're so sweet. And when we pour ourselves into them in the right way, we get really cool adults. And so it was my love of science and mystery and whatever that made me want to become a doctor because I love to figure things out.

And but it was my just just being in awe of these little humans that made me want to be a pediatrician because they're fun to be around. And sometimes adults are a little bit stinky. A little bit, yeah. Speaking of the stinky adults and those of us who are troubled and still find ourselves needing to raise children, I mean, there are some children that don't get to come into this world with a whole lot of love. Yeah. Now that you've been doing this for many years, is it clear to you what love does to a child? yeah. I've read a lot about this. And there was a study at Harvard in 2015 that basically was talking about kids again, who succeed, kids who do well, kids who not succeed and necessarily go to Harvard but just do well in life are good, happy, functioning adults.

And the one thing that they found that was continuous throughout this group of individuals was that in their childhood they had a consistent, supportive adult who loved them, somebody who they felt was in their corner. And if you have this consistent, supportive adult in your life, you're going to do better. And so that for some of us that's a mom or a dad for some of us it's a grandparent or an aunt or even sometimes a coach. But you have somebody who, you know, believes in you, who, you know, you can go to when the chips are down, who, you know, wants you to succeed.

And having that love, it changes the way you view yourself. It changes the way you think about your future, and it gives you somebody there to go to when you have those little, little missteps. And there's a difference. I think some of us grow up thinking that I know loves I that's the feeling I get when I got straight A's and somebody gave me a gold star or I know Love, that's this indescribable, beautiful feeling I have when I'm with my grandparents or my mom. Do a lot of us grow up equating love to that gold star now? I don't know. But I would think that unfortunately, particularly with parental love, sometimes kids feel like they have to succeed.

They have to bring home the gold stars to get the love. And I think that that sometimes when kids are acting out and I did this with my own kids throughout all their different temper tantrum phases, whether that's when they're really little or when they're teenagers, when kids are struggling or sometimes being difficult, really difficult. Like when you're, wow, I need to like, just go out with adults, you know? I don't know why you're living in my home anymore. You know, part of what I tell parents to do is like, lean in. Like, all you want to do is go running for the hills because this child is driving you completely nuts and is not acting in any way that you're proud of.

But instead you need to like, lean in hard. That's where I find that, like it makes the difference. And what would that be? An example of that leaning in? When my son, he didn't have terrible twos, he had like terrible threes and fours and, you know, I mean, he wasn't always terrible, but they were definitely terrible moments. He would just lose his mind. Do you want an Oreo or a chocolate chip cookie? And all of a sudden it'd be like. no, I like what I like. These are two very good choices. Like, I'm not sure that you're complaining about. Right.

Like two very good nutritional choices here, buddy. But no, and he would just like, lose his mind and like, it was just the hormones and emotions and not knowing how to deal with like, whatever. He would just like a switch would flip constantly. You need to be held like you need a hug and you just need to get through this like crazy. And I'm here with you while we get through it. Sometimes that's not what you feel like doing. And sometimes, like, I need a moment from you. The last thing I want to do is hug you. Yes, but I would then, like, lie with him in bed at night.

And I'm like, Wow, you are an amazing person. And the way that you acted today is not really who you are. And I can tell that that's not who you want to be. And I know that that amazing person is right. There is like, So I'm going to be here with you to help you find him and like help figure out a different way to to deal with when these emotions come up. Because I'm pretty sure you're not psyched about how today ended up either. But don't worry, we've got tomorrow I never like really punished him for all of that. It was just sort of. All right, let's go.

Now. When he got older and was disrespectful, there was one day where he came home and not a single toy was left in his room, cleaned out. All of. His shells. He was like, what happened was my room empty. I was like, These are all privileges and you have lost your privileges. We will still provide you with a room, but the rest of it, I was like, You. Can still stay the night. Yeah. And he was just. Like, Are you serious? I'm like, dead serious. You can start working back those things. And at first, like, I made him work hard to get the action figures and whatnot back.

And then after a while, like, I just moved everything back in. He was like, I was like, Yeah. I think the point was proven. You were going to be respectful, was like, You're going to be kind of like, Yep, sorry, that was it. So I'm think it's different for different age group. Yeah, and different for different children. Yeah, probably. And I also think there's again that like dichotomy you can be uber loving even when they sort of expect you to be kind of mad right. And really show them that you love them no matter what. And then when there's other moments where you're like, You know what?

No, I have to make you into a good, kind, caring person can drop the hammer, but they know that you still love them. And so because you've laid that foundation, you can then be sort of like the crazy mom. And in my opinion, every mom should be a little crazy every once in a while, because that's what keeps kids from being able to say, no, I can't smoke that. You know, my mom's crazy, right? They need to have the truth in that. And that's reality. We all are a little bit crazy. Not more than a little bit. Yeah, but what you were saying about your son and being able to say to him, I know this thing that you're doing is not you, not the you you want to be.

Yeah. And I know you're something different than that because that wasn't coming from sort of this place of love. That's very similar to what Dr. Baile talks about in terms of us as individuals trying to get there when we don't have a parent who can help us. It's amazing that you just so succinctly show that to your children. I'm not always the best there, but and you and I have talked about this before. I think we try our hardest. We do our best, and some days that better than others. When I don't react the way that I think is probably the best way I go back to my kids and I, like I may have overreacted or, you know, thinking about that, maybe I'm not exactly right.

And I let them do that. And I think that my kids appreciate the fact that I continually reevaluate what I'm doing. And sometimes I recognize that I'm wrong and then I'll pivot. I don't need to be always right. And I think that that's okay. I do, too. And I think that comes from a place of loving your children more than the need to protect yourself. Yeah, You know, I don't ever want to be wrong. I don't ever want to be that person that made a mistake. And I think a lot of us stand up for that without recognizing that our children saw that we made a mistake.

Yeah, And wouldn't it feel good if they knew we saw we made a mistake, too. Right? And I think parents are sometimes scared that they'll lose their authority if they show that they're capable of making mistakes. But I think it's actually the reverse. When kids see you making mistakes and they don't agree with the decisions you're making, you lose your authority then, even though they're not they're not showing you that you did you do in their head. Yes. And that's that's worse, right, Because then they end up not coming to you to be their chief of staff because they're not sure.

You haven't proven yourself that you right. But if like my head explodes for 10 minutes, when you tell me something and I'm like, I cannot believe you just said that. And then 10 minutes later I go back, I'm like, okay, I overreacted. Let's have an actual conversation about this. Then they realize that they can still come to me. They just might have to go and take a moment to go back. She'll be okay in a bit. Over the course of a child's lifetime, they're there. Little childhood. Do you see parents interested in learning about how to raise their children or do most of us just kind of operate on instinct?

Do most parents have curiosity about the healthiest way to do this? A lot of the parents that I see, yeah, I've I think that a lot of parents want to do a great job. I mean, you can tell by how many people buy baby books. They go into it like all in their going to get it right. The thing is, is that life is exhausting and parenting is hard. And I always tell people if it's super easy, if you're finding it super easy, you're probably doing something wrong. Because it. Should not be like, I'm not saying it can't be fun and I'm not saying you can't love it and enjoy it.

You definitely have to spend time thinking about it, thinking about your kid, redirecting, depending on whether things are working or not working, there is an effort that goes into it. And if you're not finding that, you're putting in that effort, you're probably not getting the most. Out of it. There will be times where something's going to be uncomfortable and you're just going to have to wade right into it. You've got to be willing to do that. I think a lot of parents really do want the best for their kids. I think right now it's tough because even when we have time with our kids, we have so many other devices, whatever pulling at us that in order to sit there and actually have like a face to face conversation where you're not distracted is rare sometimes and it's not even, okay, just put your phone away and now you can have this conversation with your kid.

It's that life in society has changed where people expect you to answer things immediately. So it's not like I can tell a parent, Hey, just don't answer your emails. A lot of parents are in situations where no people expect to hear back from them really fast. It stresses them out not to be able to answer or it's not appropriate for them to take some time not to answer. And so they have to juggle all of that even with kids. Kids used to get their homework and come home and they knew what they had and teachers couldn't contact them till the next morning and they couldn't send them emails Over the weekend.

You just had your time. And now I find even in like middle schools and high schools, they're telling kids they should be checking their email when they come home and checking their email over the weekend. To me, I feel like that's a violation of their downtime. You know, don't have the executive function to tell my kid what they need to know by 3:00 on Friday or wait until eight or 9:00 Monday morning. And you expect my kid to have executive function? I expect you to have the executive function to figure that out. You spoke about this earlier, the social media aspect.

There is a difference. Like you mentioned, there is sort of this pseudo human contact versus the human contact. Those of us who rode bikes when we were kids had when we met up with our little gang and drove through the streets for 4 hours or day or from dawn until dusk or the other way around, how do we be sure that those kids who are now in this social media world understand the difference between those two experiences? I don't know that they do. I think that for this younger generation, communication relationships, this just changed. It's just different.

There are people who don't get away from their devices. Yeah, even as young adults, they would prefer to stay in their apartment attached to a gaming device. Yeah, that's some sort of interaction, but it's so wildly different than what I think we're supposed to do as humanity. I, having not grown up with devices, I absolutely agree. What I get when I sit down face to face with someone, what I get when I get to like get an actual physical hug that's just different. I'm able to read somebody's emotions so much better when I see their face, when I'm sad.

I like hearing somebody's voice. Like it's very nice to get a text message that says, like thinking of you. It's really nice to get like a phone call of somebody thinking of me. It's just different. It is. I think, though, for younger people, that text message is better than the personal contact. They sort of don't know what to do with that person. I would agree. And so that's why I'm saying like, I think it's changed. I do think that for people who have little kids, having them have time without devices, having them be bored, play with the puzzle, or sit there and figure out what to do with themselves when, like you're taking a shower and they have nobody to interact with, that's really good.

They have siblings that they can bother even better because I think that you're able to do that in your home, right? And if you're able to do that with the little kids, I think as they get older, they at least know that that's an important relationship and they have that. I feel badly for the kids who every time their parents need to cook or do something or take a shower or go out to dinner, that they're handed the device, because I don't think that they are getting those experiences. And so I think that that's not great. I definitely think it's different.

I notice that my daughters like to face time people, so they're still talking on the phone, but they're face timing as opposed to text messaging. Now, it could be because I've scared them that they can't put things in writing, right? So and so they're going. To say all the mean things they can face to face gossiping. But I feel like sometimes they they love being able to see each other. But yeah, I try to kick my kids out of the house and tell them that they should make friends with the kids who are on the block. And I often tell them, like one of my best friends, she's an awesome person, so I would hope that we'd be friends anyway.

But we're friends because she lived around the block and we walk to school together. We walk to school with a whole bunch of other kids who weren't necessarily always the most similar to me, but we were friends because we lived within a three block radius of each other, and that's how we became friends. So when my kids are always like, Well, they're not in my group because I like your group, doesn't have to be defined by everybody who likes blah, blah, blah. You can be friends with people who are slightly different than you. And I think that that doesn't necessarily happen nowadays because people use social media to find people who have the same ideas as them.

Yes, sometimes that's not great. No. That's for adults or for no. Right. But that walking to school with all these kids that some you connect with, some you don't. But your group, isn't that how life is? Yeah, that's how I hope life is. Our communities don't necessarily mean we're just all alike. I mean, I grew up in Jersey. I had a lot of kids who were different immigrant families from different places. And I remember I would walk up, pick up Morocco and then walk down and pick up shoes in, and it was like we were friends because we went to school.

We lived near each other. And that's. Right. And no, it was great. And thoughts about it? No. We were talking the other day about this extremely unfortunate and fascinating topic, which you spoke about the human trafficking. And you have shared with me some of the devastating reasons why people end up in this situation. And how does that happen? What what is missing for those children that leads them to be able to walk that path? Part of what I think is important is that we really are not so protective of our kids, that we really just outright tell them you're doing them a huge disservice if they don't realize that there is these predators out there.

When you try to sugarcoat things. We know what we're saying when we speak in euphemisms, but kids don't. So part is it making them smart, part of protecting them from that sort of stuff. And then part of it is just being like, hey, recognize these words and then realize what true love is. And that's this. That's what we have going on, right? It's never going to be better than this. Yeah. I mean, I hope with your spouse it is, but otherwise, like, do not trust anybody else. Like this is what love feels like. And I think that that's what we have to show our kids is what love really feels like.

And when we do that, they know it and then they're just not going to fall victim because they know it. I mean, that's just so precious, what you're saying. And I just don't know how to give parents access to this. The parents are so busy, They so many of us are not fortunate enough to have time to really sit and know this and feel it and then speak to it. And there are children who are falling into these traps and find these people filling these big holes. Can you see some way to get messages like this? I mean, here, listen to our podcast. I think that part of it is that you don't wait for the right moments.

You make the right moments. Right. And so for me, putting my kids to bed, if I have there were times when I was working at nights and I couldn't put my kids to bed. And then like that wasn't when it was those 3 minutes that you have where you literally bring the phone in, you're putting your kid to bed, you lie down next to them, or you sit down and you talk to them or whatever it is that you do that allows you to just have that connection. And it might be for me, it might be like, Hey, I got to go grocery shopping when I come in the car because it's going to be 5 minutes to the grocery store.

I don't have any other time. But you know what? Let's connect and then we can giggle while we buy stuff. And if you come with me, like, we'll get something at the little bakery and then we'll maybe sit in the car and talk for a couple of minutes before we drive home. That's not a lot of time, but you make it the time that you need it to. Be, and there are times you just can't avoid being with your child, right? You might as well make the most of those right moments. And if I'm taking you, you're leaving your phone. We're not doing anything else.

We're both going and I'll leave my phone too. And somebody needs as well. Hopefully they can figure out how to put out the fire until we get home. Yeah. You know, and I think that that's important. You start that when they're little. I totally sometimes don't want to talk to my kids when I am sitting down. I've finally sat down and have like two, 3 minutes for myself and like, Hey mom, you want to do blah, blah, blah together? I would love that. Yeah. That's exactly what I want to do right now. So glad you asked. Yeah, I just go and you do it, and then you're like, I'm so glad I got out of my head space right?

And went and did that because I'm not going to be able to do that forever. Sometimes it's just making that time and it's like that song, The Cat's Cradle song. You want to make sure you're not on the wrong end of that song. I think about that a lot. Okay. Nope, don't do this now, because now's the time. And then hopefully when I'm old, you're going to have time for me. Maybe we have such a nuclear family and nuclear existence, particularly here, that we don't think about that. And one of the best experiences I think I had with my kids was was a year ago today that my aunt died.

She came and she basically moved to California and was with us for ten months. And you and she were very close. We were, yes. She lived in Florida. I lived in L.A. And so there was this distance once we moved to L.A. and I had my kids. But yes, we were close when she came out. It was amazing. It was amazing. First of all, I was so grateful that my husband was like, All right, I guess we're doing this because that's a lot. And then my kids, I was like, We're going to have to step up. We have somebody who is stage four, colon cancer is coming and she has dementia and like very forgetful.

And we have to make sure that she doesn't wander away and like a lot like all hands on deck guys. It was amazing to see them have to realize that sometimes you have to care for somebody and sometimes you have to do things that, Wow, I was hoping to grow up, my friends. But you know what? Somebody needs to make sure that somebody is home right now. So I guess we'll try to figure out a different way. Like it's not all about me. And it was great. And then hearing what they wrote after she passed away and they said at her little memorial, the amount that their hearts grew and that they learned how to just pour love into someone and how much they got back from that experience.

Like I thought, here we're doing this for my aunt. And in fact, those ten months she gave me and my family. So much because we just grew and I watched them grow as people. It was just such a gift. That's amazing. So I think sometimes we don't because we have these nuclear families and maybe some people are lucky enough to live near their elder relatives. But look, that's a gift. I think we have to use that as what it is. What were one or two of those comments that your children came away with that sort of surprised you about the gift that they were given? gosh, I wish I had like so I made each of them write something and I said, you know, we're going to have a little thing for a friend and, you know, we're going to have this moment and we're going to stand up and say something.

And I don't care if it's one or two sentences, I want you to talk about like a funny story or something that changed you was just sweet. I can't remember exactly what they wrote, but it was about laughing about sitting there watching the Golden Girls and watching maybe the same episode two. Or three times. But like everybody else could do the words, you know? But they're like, I really loved you sitting there with you and laughing like that and just the silly things that that would happen and that they would do and that the fact that you'd say hi to all of their friends and so their friends would end up coming to our house as opposed to being able to go out and walk the village because somebody had to make sure she didn't disappear.

It was funny because for the memorial I couldn't believe how many of their friends showed up. my gosh. Because she would come to the soccer games or the baseball games, and she'd sit there and I put her in her wheelchair and I'd be like, I have to go run over here. I was like, Hey, you, can. You make sure she doesn't move? And it was just great because we included her in everything that was important to us, and therefore she became important to the people who are important to us. And it just showed them you build a. Community and what a lovely lesson for little ones, because we often find people like your aunt in sort of scary or unapproachable and to just have this sort of natural thing occur in your home.

I think that's really precious that these kids could discover that those people are not those people. Yeah, it was even when she passed away and my son was there and then my husband came and was like, Come on, we're going to go out. And he's like, You're you're brushing your hair. And he was like, Well, she wouldn't want the people are going to come pick her up to see her this way. He's like, I can't believe you're brushing your hair. And it's just let him do it right. And he was like, Dad. She slept in person. She was yesterday. Same hair. It is.

It's the same. The same person. Like, come on. He's pretty comfortable with the fact that you just watch this whole process still pouring love in. You know, it's funny. It's like we think that you need to have time. And we had no time. Those ten months, like trying to juggle three kids, the dog, our lives and, you know, an elderly person in. You wouldn't think that we had time to sit there and learn from it. But you do you do. You just find those moments. And then they'll be able to do that in their lives comfortably. It won't be this oddity for them.

I don't mean to say that people aren't busy and it's super hard, like it is super hard, and it's not even about just making the effort. It's just about recognizing the moments when they come because they are there. As parents, we ought to be so cognizant of the fact that we're here in the most loving way to these people to become fabulous participants in life. Yeah, to stand up and do things for humanity and not just do things that satisfy their individual needs, but to lovingly take care of those people around them. Yeah. And you just can't wait for the right time because it's never there.

It isn't. No. I mean, and that's the case with everything in life. Yeah. Some of what we were talking about is like, how do you teach parents to meet the needs of their kids, right. To show them love even if they don't have a lot of time? How do you in the small amount of time, if you're working two jobs, you're trying to make ends meet and you're stressed, how do you make sure that you're having that time to lean in and do that? And I think some people do an amazing job whether or not they're working one or two jobs, whether or not they have money or not, they just know how to give love.

And you can see that money and time is not what it takes to give love like it doesn't. But sometimes the stress we feel stops us from being able to do the things we need to do. Talking about sort of rethinking about the fact that I'm sure you've heard about this, like the five love languages, right. Thinking about that and realizing that, like, I may have one love language, but my children might have another and I have maybe five love languages that I can use to show my child love. And so which one can I fit into this moment? And so the five love languages I'll see if I can remember them are acts of service, which I think parents do all the time.

Right? It's sort of like we live in that one. Yes, it may be quality time, physical touch, gifts and words of affirmation. It might be like I'm sitting here doing my work or I'm sitting here and you're watching TV and we're watching TV and like, can I put my arm around you? Can I just, like, give you a squeeze? Can I let you know that I am physically here? Like, maybe we're in the same room, Maybe I'm like, Hey, you want to sit on the couch? I have to do this. You're going to do that. But let's sit together. Let's be present together. And so I think sometimes we don't think about that.

We're like, okay, well, I'm at the kitchen table and you're sitting over there and aren't we together? Not really. So words of affirmation. We talked a lot about the words of affirmation not being about you succeeding, but about you being who you are. Yes. And them gifts. I mean, they don't have to be big gifts. Like maybe it's a note like, hey, have a great day. Just want you to I'm thinking of you, right? Like, throw. It in a lunchbox. Right? Or like, on the mirror or like, by the front door when they leave or text it to them. That's a word of affirmation, like texting the little bunny rabbit with the happy eyes.

Something where they know you're thinking of them. It's not they're not big things. And I think that's where we get caught up, right? They don't have to cost a lot of money or take a lot of time. And so I think that that's where we were talking about, showing parents, teaching parents with these five love languages, super easy little things that you can do to make sure that you're still connecting with particularly your middle school, your teenager, and that it's funny that if you start doing that, they do it back and then they feel like if they have a bad moment, those lines of communication are open, right?

And it's just funny sitting next to them on the couch while you're working on your computer as opposed to at the kitchen table while they're sitting there, lines of communication are open, sending them a little thing on their thing while they're on the bus on the way home. Like looking forward to seeing you when you get home. Super busy today, you know, think and like, I send them like a heart. Okay? Like they come in, they're like, they knew I was thinking of them. Right? It doesn't take a lot. It doesn't I think a lot of us sort of innately steer away from that because we think, that's my teenager.

Then I want to hear from me. You know, they're going to roll their eyes. Maybe so, but still, that touches a chord. I know it does. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Like they're they're rolling their eyes. They're rolling their eyes on the outside. That's all it is. And it's funny because, like, I do that with my daughter and even her friends are like, Well, Cori sent you today, you know, like, and they, they just make, they make fun of my daughter with like, I know they kind of like it. I'm sure they do. And she was kind of like it because she she was it.

Maybe she shared it being snarky. She still shared it. Like if she really didn't like it, you wouldn't share, Right? Of course. Well, Doctor Cori Cross, you're fabulous. And thank you so much for giving us this time. We've learned so much and it's really wonderful to talk about some of the things that can happen based on Bernhard's work in that there's nothing more important than love and you're just proving this that as parents, that's really the best gift we can give to our offspring. Yeah, I mean, it's so applicable. That is so. Thank you so much.

We'll look forward to seeing you in the next episode of And Now, Love.